Developing Leaders, One Meaningful Conversation at a time

Everyone has pivotal moments in their lives. In my sophomore year of college, my college advisor connected me with a professor in the business school who had a degree in industrial/organizational psychology, a new career direction that I was pretty sure was the one for me. I met with this professor and twenty minutes into the meeting he commented, “What you really need is an internship – just a minute.” He turned around, picked up the phone, talked for a few minutes, and then handed the phone to me. I said hello and before I knew it, I had an interview the following week with Lise Saari, a research scientist in industrial/organizational psychology. That conversation led to a one-year internship and a three-year job at a research institute. After I finished my doctoral training, Lise was offered me a job back in Seattle to work for her at The Boeing Company. All of this happened because of one conversation and one phone call. A colleague of mine tells a similar story. When she was in college, one of her term papers came back with a note from the professor in the margin stating, “Don’t write like this when you go to graduate school.” Her reaction? “He thinks I can go to graduate school!” And, that little comment scrawled in the margin opened up possibilities she had never considered and changed the direction of her life.

What do I believe? I believe that inflection points happen all of the time. A new story is always waiting to emerge. We just miss most of them. Every day, the road divides and we decide which one we want to take. Susan Scott writes in her book Fierce Conversations, “While no single conversation is guaranteed to change the trajectory of a career, a business, a marriage, or a life, any single conversation can.” Change might be just around the corner.

 Now, sometimes we know we’re at a point. We ask someone to marry us, a pregnancy test comes back positive, we accept a job that will move us across the country. Sometimes the choices are small, but add up over time – do we work late or get home for dinner on time? Sometimes we know that the stakes are high. We take the leap. We proceed on faith, hoping that the future will be kind to us, and we will survive. I begin writing a book hoping that the hundreds of hours it will take aren’t wasted of time.

 Our own reflection points are important, but maybe the greatest moments are when we have the privilege of being pivotal points for others. I’m sure that you know some people in your life who are those people. I do. Remember that professor who connected me with my first internship? Remember the professor who wrote that comment about graduate school on my colleague’s paper? It  was the same person. Before you dismiss this, let me add one more fact – my colleague went to school in Illinois and I went to school in Seattle. We didn’t know each other until we met fifteen years later. The only thing in common in these two stories was the person, Doug McKenna, who connected with both of us in a way that opened new horizons in our lives.

 We all have reflection points in our lives. The question then becomes, how do we take advantage of them? Albert Bandura, a famous social psychologist, wrote a now classic article called, “The psychology of chance encounters and life paths”[i] where he made the point that we can never control the chance encounters in our lives, but we can influence how much impact that they will have on us. Two-thousand years earlier, Seneca, the Roman philosopher wrote, “Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity.” Is this true? Mounting evidences suggests that it is. There aren’t many female orchestra conductors in the world, but there are a few. To find out what made the difference in their careers, researchers interviewed several of them to figure out what made the difference. They found that chance did play a role in their lives, but so did something the author called pseudoserendipity, accidentally finding something that you were seeking – where preparedness meets chance. The women who eventually became orchestra conductors were ready when opportunity presented itself. What made the difference? Strong skills, self-confidence, a willingness to take risks, hard work, a drive to succeed, optimism, social support and a bias to seek out opportunities.[ii]

 Taking Action

Reflect on the pivot points in your life. What have been some of the pivotal moments in your life? Make a list of at least five of the moments in your life when everything changed. It might have been a conversation that you had, a decision you made, or a life-changing moment in your journey. Now, select two of the positive inflection points. Now, take some time to think about what made the difference – What about you allowed them to become such defining moments in your life? After all, they might not have been inflection points for someone else.

 Set yourself up for success. Look back over what you just wrote. How can you use those same skills to prepare yourself for your next big leap? Just for fun, picture a significant goal that you would like to accomplish in the next five years (a dream you would like to pursue, a new career direction, a change in your life’s priorities). How can you apply the strategies you identified above to prepare for this future opportunity? What is a small step you can take today to start moving toward that goal?

Do a little detective work. Have lunch with a couple of friends. Ask them to tell you about some of the pivotal moments in their lives. Find out what made the difference for them; that is, what prepared them so they could take advantageous of the opportunities when they emerged?

Remember the people who made a difference in your life. Who have been the people in your life who became inflection points? What did they do for you? Have you ever said thank you?

Become an inflection point for others. Think about how you can be the kind of person who makes a difference in the lives of the people who bump into you. Set aside a day and practice being that kind of person. Practice being the kind of person who Look for the potential in others. Be the kind of person who energizes and brings life to others.

[1] Bandura, A. (1982). The psychology of chance encounters and life paths. American Psychologist, 37, 747-755.

[1] Diaz, C. L., Serendipity and pseudoserendiptity in career paths of successful women: Orchestra conductors. Creativity Research Journal, 16(2/3), 345-356. See also Williams, E. N., Soeprapto, E., Like, K., Touradji, P., Hess, S., & Hill, C. E. (1998). Perceptions of serendipity: Career paths of prominent academic women in counseling psychology. Journal of Counseling Psychology, 45. 379-389.

A few weeks back, my wife Jackie and I were watching the US Open golf tournament. I don’t play golf very well, but I love to watch golf sometimes…mostly because it makes me feel like I’m on vacation because of all the grass, beaches, palm trees, and ponds that look like swimming pools. Anyway, we had actually been watching for about an hour, and had begun to witness what we had seen so many times before…Tiger Woods coming after playing poorly earlier in the week. At one point, I looked at Jackie and said, “It’s amazing how many times he’s done this. I mean, he has this uncanny ability to hit the right shots when it counts……Amazing!” We watched him once again come back all the way to the last hole where he was shooting to force a playoff the next day. We were both on the edge of our seats watching. Then, he sinks a 30 foot putt to force the playoff, and the crowd got absolutely nuts. We were both floored, and again I said, “It’s UNCANNY honey, he does this every time. I feel like I’ve seen him do this over and over again!” And then one moment later the coverage broke away to a still camera on an empty golf course with rain falling in the background, and a voice said, “And we’re back live during the rain delay at the 2009 US Open. We hope you enjoyed our coverage of the Tiger Woods comeback at the 2008 Open.” Yes, we were watching last year’s tournament, and yes, we did watch it together last yearL

There are so many questions about identity that this raises for me. First, is my identity, the sum of my experiences, my accomplishments, or even one major success or failure? If so, what does my experience with the US Open tell me about me? To what extent do other people impact who I am? If I make a foolish mistake in front of other people, does that make me a fool? Is the label I place on myself or the labels placed on me by others the sum total of who I am? If I’m Michael Jackson, is who I am “the king of pop?” If I’m Farrah Fawcet, is who I am the woman in the red bathing suit or the Angel who left before the first season was over? Is that who I am? Even though much of what I’ve experienced may or may not be true?

Identity is so important to us that we have an entire racket called “identity theft.” And just think of the last time you heard someone say, “who do you think you are anyway?” The fact is that your identity matters. It matters because it ultimately impacts what you do. So, consider four questions.

1. Who are you? – Be honest, what labels do you put on yourself, both good and not so good? Just make a list of the top 10 labels you put on yourself and throw in a few that some trusted others put on you.
2. What are you most afraid of losing? – In what ways does fear have a hold on your identity and charting the course for your life?
3. Whose are you? – To whom do you belong? Who are you associated with? To what extent are you so concerned about what other people think that you have lost yourself?
4. What label would God put on you? – If your Creator came up to you and whispered your name in your ear and said, “[insert your name], you are                                 .”  What would God say? If God said, you are acceptable, you are valuable, you are forgivable, you are loved, could you believe it? If you believed it, what difference could that make?

Today I’m heading in for a two level spinal fusion….for anyone who’s interested…it’s a fusion at L4-L5 and L5-S1. While it may seem extreme, I’m pretty excited about it. A good friend of mine had a similar procedure 2 weeks ago, so I’ve had a chance to learn from him and also watch him maintain his own spirits as he gets better.
Even though I hate taking a surgical option, I’ve learned so much along the way. Here are a few of those lessons.
1. Make sure you invest in other people, especially when you body or your brain is telling you it’s all about you. So many people have invested in me, even people who didn’t know me that well. Some have prayed, some have mowed my lawn, some have just made the time to ask how I’m doing. Amazing people…I want to be more like them.
2. Our bodies will fail us. I have never been more aware of the fact that my soul resides in a body that is, and will, fail me over time. This isn’t a grim reality, just a reality.
3. My wife is unbelievable. I love her more today than I ever have. She’s scary great. She loves me in spite of my little stupid things, and she is such an amazing mom.
4. My boys are becoming little men. This morning I had the chance to tell them that they are the men of the house while daddy’s in the hospital next week. They have taken the charge and get it. (we’ll see about that one…they are 6 and 7).
5. My friends are generous and my friendships to them are deep. I am blessed. They have my back.
6. It’s hard to take things from people when they offer help. Not because it’s so hard, but because sometimes the help offered creates more work…..most of the time it doesn’t, but you know what I mean. It’s complicated. We all just need to help each other more and be fine if we can’t too.
7. I have a great job. I just do. For as long as I have it, I have a great job that is made up of people who you just want to be around.
8. God is good. He just is.

I’m so excited to be on the other side of this. Back pain has been a part of my reality for 20 years (unbelievable). That’s not a sob story, it’s just a reality. I don’t know anything different. It’s going to be good.

Rob

Sailing is such a powerful metaphor. When I was a kid, my dad and I would sail on a lake called Lake Chelan in a boat called a bumblebee. The boat was probably only about 10 fee long, yellow (surprise, with the a name like bumblebee) but it was fun. When the winds would come up, that little boat could really move. My dad loves to sail, and he taught me so much about sailing, the wind, and how to navigate that little boat in the toughest of waters. The boat had a removable keel, or daggerboard. The keel is the wing that stick out through the bottom of sailboats that keep the boat from tipping over when it’s leaning over. While it’s not a rudder (the thing at the back of the boat that steers the boat, it’s function is to keep the boat upright and stable when moving quickly through the water. The challenge with that little boat was that the keel didn’t have anything to keep it down, so when the waters got rougher and the wind got stronger, it would start to float up through the middle of the boat. When that happened, the boat was completely unstable and flipped on us more than once.

I sometimes ask my clients to consider their guiding principles, or the principles that guide them through life. After I ask them to identify them, I’ll often ask them to go to someone that knows them well and ask them what they see as their guiding principles. The funny thing is that the principles we often describe as a those that guide us are often different from the principles that other people see guiding us. Going back to the bumblebee, sometimes our self proclaimed guiding principles are more like the “bumblebee” printed on the side of the sailboat that actual principles. What we print on the side of the boat may look good, but it really doesn’t say much about the stability of the boat itself. The keel, although hidden, is a much better example of the guiding principle of our lives. While it isn’t seen most of the time and doesn’t’ actually tell us anything about where we are going (like the rudder), it is the thing that keeps us upright in the toughest of storms.

What is your keel? What would someone close to you identify as your keel, or your guiding principles? Are they the same. Do your guiding principles keep floating up through the middle of your boat, failing to give you any consistency and stability in tough times. Think about it, your principles are your keel. Getting them firmly in place will help you know where to stand and how to move forward with some consistency and predictability, even when everything else around you might be out of control.

What are your guiding principles, and how did they different from those described by someone else? What did you have in common?

This morning when I came in to work I had a particularly busy brain. I arrived at work at about 7am so I could start my day with a quick workout. While I was exercising, as usually happens, my mind started to wander into a talk that I’m giving later this week. I was thinking about how far too rarely I am stopped in my tracks. How rarely I take the time to stop, listen, pray, and just relax away from the noise of my agenda for the day. For the talk I’m doing later this week, I’m using a from the book of Jeremiah in the Bible that goes like this:

“Ah, Sovereign LORD,” I said, “I do not know how to speak; I am only a child.”
But the LORD said to me, “Do not say, ‘I am only a child.’ You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you. Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you,” declares the LORD.

Then the LORD reached out his hand and touched my mouth and said to me, “Now, I have put my words in your mouth. See, today I appoint you over nations and kingdoms to uproot and tear down, to destroy and overthrow, to build and to plant.”
Jeremiah 1:6-10

After I rushed through my workout I headed into the locker room. My busy brain was still going. I was beginning to frantically plan for how I was going to talk about “What stops you in your tracks?” The irony that I realized right then in the locker room was that I hadn’t been stopped in my tracks in my planning for talking about being stopped in my tracks. The first thing I thought was, “What an idiot!” Then I thought about the message God was handing me through the words in Jeremiah. Jeremiah is confessing that he doesn’t have all the answers, and that in fact, he doesn’t even know how to speak.

Sometimes when I’m trying to get my kids attention I actually have to stop them in their tracks, get them to look me in the eye, and then let them know that I have their best intentions in mind, and I have them covered. Like a father gently putting his hand over Jeremiah’s mouth, God says, “Stop right there man. I’ve got this one. I have the words for you. I have the agenda. I have the plan.” In that moment in the locker room, I sat down on the bench and spent the next fifteen minutes in silence, letting go of my day. While my busy brain is still here, I realized I don’t have all the answers and I may not get it all done. Most importantly, God stopped me in my tracks this morning.
What stops you in your tracks?

Dr. Rob McKenna

If it truly is important to be intentional about your development as a leader, we would really be missing it if we didn’t take a chance to pause and reflect on our own learning over the last several weeks. I’ve learned some valuable lessons for sure. First off, I am now so convinced that this generation of emerging leaders is anything but entitled. There are plenty of high potential leaders out there who are ready for the challenge, willing to consider the stakes, and willing to learn. Second, I have seen the impact of letting go and letting others speak their own voice. These have been big lessons for me. Now that so many of you have spent the last 10 weeks in my class taking a deep dive into your own leadership presence and potential, what personal lessons have you learned about leadership that you will surely be applying in the coming months and even years?

Based on the conversations we’ve seen over the last several weeks in the blog, I have some advice I want to pass on. While this is certainly not me trying to speak like the master of leadership, it’s advice I’ve received from a group of wise leaders who have invested in me over the years that has really helped me as a leader. So, here goes…

1. Seek out tough feedback on how you show up.
2. Learn how to lead and follow.
3. Become self aware.
4. Get in touch with your developmental stage.
5. Don’t blame—take responsibility—it’s good for you.
6. Leadership is not only about talking—this becomes really important
7. Develop your list of mentors now!
8. Keep success in perspective—self preservation and self sacrifice
9. Learn to write well.
10. Set learning and performance goals and shoot for them.
11. Be intentional—it makes you more interesting.
12. Don’t gossip—Ask yourself, what are you going to do about it?
13. There are lessons to learn right now—are you learning them? Write them down.
14. Take on a whatever it takes attitude
15. Don’t take yourself too seriously, but take others seriously
16. Why do you lead—three questions down.
17. Say you’re sorry.
18. Consider the stakes every day.
19. Be thankful.
20. Know that God loves you.